Stream of Consciouness

5 more minutes. Oh that dream was so good...where was I....shoot! 5 more minutes. Okay, really what I am going to wear? I have to wash my hair, no I could put my hair in a bun. Wear that black skirt, grey top, grey scarf, black flats, okay that's fine...okay really Lauren get up. One day, I won't hit snooze...Shower time...stop thinking. Calm down. Okay let's think...water's too hot. Which body wash should I use? This one, no this one, okay that one. What do I have to do today? RAW, work, call him back...call her back...shoot I haven't blogged...ugh she hates me, I haven't returned her calls...I wonder what he's doing, who cares not important...don't forget lunch in the fridge. Have to tell the family I'll be late today. Dry off...get dressed...what time is it...makeup time, turn on the radio, why do I listen to this station, it cracks me up, but it is so vulgar... At least they play good music, yeah every half hour. Oh my gosh stop thinking, what time is it...ugh ten minutes, great, okay that's it...get your breakfast lets go... think positive. Calories, don't forget. I know it's fine...stay focused. I have a lot to do. You can handle it. Breathe.
What time is it...shoot...Going to be late, I'm always late. No you make yourself late. Why do I procrastinate? I swear this is a sick disease...I want to check my Facebook...no wait till the bus. Okay say goodbye to the family...Alright walking to bus, grab phone...God, I love New York. No, I am addicted to my freakin' phone...so is everyone else...wait to look at the phone for 5 minutes Lauren seriously. Okay waiting for bus, now I can look at the phone...this isn't healthy...Wait how much is on my metro card, shoot I don't remember am I okay, what if I don't have enough, its fine its always fine relax, okay here's my bus...Quick mirror check, my hair alright...yes okay don't stare at yourself people will hate you. I miss driving...Say hello to the bus driver...first seat...no second seat...okay third seat. Pick up your bag, be courteous. Alright back to the phone...la la la, delete delete delete...ugh I hate junk emails, ut oh...what did they say...oh great...okay...another problem, breathe...stay calm. Add to do list. Think. Problem, solution. Deal with it when you get to the office. Oh, I love her top. Facebook check...oh interesting...don't care, please don't tag me, oh that's funny, I miss her, that's cute..okay enough. iPod on, time to check out. God where would I be without music....this city is so beautiful. I love New York. I can't believe I live in New York. Great, they had to choose to sit next to me. Should I say hello. I would rather not. That's rude. It's honest. At least they don't smell. This song is so good. What is it about iPod's and day dreaming...I can do this all day. I swear this driver! Every day I increase my chances of dying on public transit. This is why I should I just get married. So stupid. Your young. Who cares, life is so uncertain, no but you have dreams. Be patient. I wonder what he's doing...is he the one...who cares...not important...focus. Will he move here...it's in God's hands...oh Central Park is so pretty...I can't believe I pass this every day One day I'll have the door man...I love men in suits. Oh nice shoes. I love a man that can dress. I swear 5th Avenue never gets old...dog walkers, I wonder what else they do...are they happy...how much do they get paid...oh I should probably create a spreadsheet for that...shoot I was going to do that yesterday...I haven't heard from...should ask her to do this for me...what time is it in California...1,2,3...okay mom's asleep, I'll text her later. God this bus driver is slow. Great now I have to pee....what street are we on...how many stops is that...1,2,3,4,5,6...shoot. I can hold it...I really need to..I really miss my friends...who's birthday's are coming up...don't forget...why is it when you hold your bladder you get horny..how does that even work...ugh. I wonder what it will be like the first time...or...if...ugh...okay focus...next song....ahh dirty thought...stay focused...I wonder how guys think...is this normal...okay...if only these people knew what I was thinking...ahaha...visual...ahh...I want that bag...I like that in yellow...hope she doesn't spill her coffee...oh how cute...seriously...does he think about me this much...I'm seriously crazy, I'm a Libra...I wonder what they're thinking, he looks stressed...shoot what time is it...ah, yep definitely going to be late...I need to leave earlier...yes you know this...there are so many people in the city...should I grab coffee...I wonder if...oh, don't forget to email...no you can get it for free at the office...that coffee sucks...where should I go...place by the train or place by work...uh er...what time is it....re-apply lip gloss...okay...what street are we at...ahhh I love this song...shoot I have to pee...I should probably stop here...go pee...order...get on train....go straight into work...okay yeah that sounds good...gosh I miss him...how annoying...okay say goodbye to the driver...ahh fresh air...seriously, I love New York...alright work or here...no here...open the door...stand in line or pee first...line, order then pee, pick up coffee and then train...okay...yes...what time is it...

Barista

"Miss...for you?"

 Me

"Hi...small skim cappuccino...yes. Thank you."

Phew. 

My vow was to write every week. It's been over a month. Over 3 months in NYC, feels like 3 years. The insight of the typical AM work week thoughts...my day hasn't even begun.

Consider your stream of consciousness, does it repeat? Do you control your thoughts or they control you?

Welcome to New York.

Angel in disguise

"Smile, we are surrounded by fame" as my new friend and partner in crime James Wells whispered to me. There we were surrounded by cameras and icons while standing on the SMASH set in Staten Island. He quickly adjusted the snarl on my face as my eyes burned from the atmospheric smoke. A week prior we had met on the set of my first production gig in the city - SMASH. I remember when the trailer first played in my parents house in California. I was so thrilled I pronounced- I WILL be on that show. One month later into the city I booked featured background 5 times. Lucky to be amongst some of Hollywood's most respected stars, not to mention a Spielberg production. I laughed at myself thinking of all the times I talked smack on the 'extra' jobs in LA. Here I was, one of them....or was I? 

The 2nd day I worked SMASH I almost broke my neck walking to the powder room. In a room with 200 strangers, sitting down was one of my high school alumni, Sarah. Triple take. My Apple Valley childhood; we were on the same basketball team and had the honor of winning homecoming court. She was one of the most beautiful and popular girls in school. Now our paths cross again. I obviously went to say hello and played a brief catch up. My respect grew for her seeing as she made the venture east. After catching up via social media and St. Patty's shenanigans, I knew there was a deeper reason for this crossing. I was told once before, the German's believe you always cross paths with those (that leave a lasting impression on you) twice. After the 2nd meeting if you don't click, you will never see each other again. Interesting concept, but what intrigues me is that I am a firm believer I will see everyone again. Always mind the past and make things right...who you see on the way up or down is unpredictable. You never know who may be your angel...

Frustrated with venue searching for RAW Brooklyn and the politics that reside, I had come to a cross roads if I had to leave NY or give up the dream and find a day job. Responsibility of the real world was starting to settle in and I knew regardless of the way plan A fell through I was meant to stay in NYC. Without a doubt, the time is now for me here. By the grace of God and perfect timing, the company Sarah works for just happened to be hiring - naturally its in entertainment and just what I need to get me on my feet. Sitting across from her in an office on Friday I giggled thinking how strange life is; 10 years ago we froze to death sitting on top of a convertible as we were chauffeured around a football stadium. Now we meet again in the grandest city of all.

Every single day in New York City is different. Not a single one to compare to the other. The culture, the smell, the languages, the sound, the pace, the weather, the fashion...I can't take it in fast enough. Beginning to believe you have not lived until you have spent even a few months of your life in NY. It's as if you are looking inside a crystal ball of the entire world; being several places at once.

This has been my dream since I was a little girl. To live in the city while I was still single and working on my career. I wanted to walk the streets of Manhattan by myself, hail a cab, eat alone and smile freely while jammin' to my iPod on the subway. Mission complete.

We create our own destiny. Our decisions lead us on different paths - but I do believe the outcome is always inevitable. That outcome is our destiny. I strongly believe God has planted dreams in our heart and through Him we can achieve it. I'm sure others have achieved greatness without belief, but my oh my is it lonely at the top. Love and gratitude are God's genetic code, these are the fundamentals to happiness. Those are the emotions we feel once we have found our right path. We may not receive every gift in the perfect wrapping, but it is always what we need. The wish list will come true, so long as you follow the code of love and gratitude. Who you are supposed to be with, the career you are supposed to have, the family that takes you in and those you call your children. In some way, shape or form we find exactly what we need in time.

Keep an open mind. 

When we are blinded by fear or impatience we often make the wrong decision which only leads us to the inevitable. However derailed, we find the track again and begin to carry on increasing speed. The more centered we are the faster our lives become. We slow down or take a stop because we missed something. Possibly a learning lesson or often a distraction which comes from lack of focus.

LIVING is black and white. There is NO SHORTCUT. When we choose to take them we only are guided back to the starting point. Who we are and who we are supposed to be are the same. The only thing we can control is when we want to start being that person. Although we can not decide what lies ahead we can set our eyes on the prize and never let it out of sight until it rests in our hands. For many that moment may not come until they meet death.  When will you be ready? Can you handle the truth? Are you willing to accept that what lies ahead are strategic struggles and obstacles to help YOU and only YOU learn just how to get EVERYTHING on your wish list?


As if life is a personalized maze; handcrafted and measured flawlessly for you to learn and accept your destiny...we can get lost, want to give up, feel alone or decide to turn around, but rest assured there is only ONE way out. Through the maze.

AWARENESS

Sitting in a hotel room after demolishing a bag of Rice Works chips. Just hung up the phone with my best friend, yes the one who got married whom we learned of last October. My eyes filled with tears and heart heavy with emotion to think of our different worlds and the bond we share. The amount of changes that have occurred since the clock struck midnight on New Years Eve is nothing short of the amount of yellow cabs passing 50th and Broadway in a half hour period.

Let's recap. Poppin' sparkling wine in a Las Vegas Venetian suite for the 2012 beginning. Received the infamous romantic midnight phone call from the man who may play out to ride a white horse. One week later, flirtatiously haggling deals in Mexico during the RAW producers cruise. Cut to tearful goodbyes at LAX with my parents. Arrived in Nashville for a short emotional roller coaster, seeing familiar faces and swallowing future realities; all the while my heart is growing and learning what love really is. What feels like seconds later, I'm crammed in a truck cabin staring out at the north country passing state line after state line till we hit the New York skyline. Not knowing when my next paycheck will come. Anxiety attack approaching. Faith controlling.

BAM. Three weeks later I welcome the Theater District with open arms as I await peace of mind. The living situation which was promised has seemed to come to a hault. Not knowing if I was a fool to believe in such a deal or if there is a lesson in patience. Everything I preach is of following your intuition so I could not be wrong I ponder...but we are all human and we all make mistakes. Now I am forced to have a back up plan.

I assumed I would be writing this blog about the fashionable clothes and the magical events that happened at Mercedes Benz Fashion Week. Nope. After minding my business and asking for a retainer for my writing services, I was told I knew nothing about this business and lost the opportunity. Funny how hurt I was over such a remark, real funny to think of what I would have wrote if I shared that experience during the headlines.

Young, ambitious professionals have their work cut out for them. Not only must you compete with those more experienced, you must deal with old egos. Its not easy for older, accomplished people to accept new meat with nothing but talent and youth on their side. The glass ceiling will always be there, the wise ones will choose to open the door for you as we are assets with a fresh outlook. The world is changing and one day we will ALL make room for the FUTURE. Many resist.

We never know the network or support that lies behind each individual we meet. We must never underestimate or make assumptions. The power of our network is something we hold dear. Never to brag or be self righteous. These will be revealed in the wash. True confidence comes from this support. It is the shield when we are harmed or offended. It gives us the ability to get back up and march again. When one door closes we must not take it personal, but rather be grateful because many times it would not have served us in our best interest. Keep track of those who have harmed you and those who have helped you. This is the list you must not forget. Gratitude must be the focus or we will quickly change teams.

If I had to label this chapter it would be titled HELP. There isn't a single thing I can do right now without it. Then we mix in patience because certain decisions are out of our hands. Especially the circumstances that create our destiny. Sprinkled with faith cause that is the only fuel that gives us longevity till the end.

An interesting time we live in. Quite possibly on the brink of World War III. Reality folks, time to pay attention. No need to fear. If you have a purpose you will stay, if your time has expired, you will go. Tis the season of reflection and to make a choice. To live with purpose, affecting positive change and growth. To live with selfish intent, fear and depression. We can choose to embrace the change that is delivered or fight it. However, since time is all we truly have its about TIME we start to CONTROL how we USE it.

If we all lived with the single purpose to help, to pay it forward, to love - everyone. Regardless the cost, there would be NO room for darkness. This cycle is no accident, it is brilliantly structured for us to stay on track. The challenge is to find where to get on. Pay it forward is a lifestyle. A one way ticket. Once you have accepted this mentality there is no other way to live. A community where everyone receives and everyone gives. This is winning.

Awareness starts now.

Lauren & Kaitlyn Take New York

We have all heard those inspiring make believe stories (old man voice) "I came to New York with 10 bucks in my pocket, lived out of a car and the rest is history..." We have been told "if you make it in New York you can make it anywhere." Those stories alone have my John Hancock written all over them.

Before the new year my Assistant Director of RAW, Kaitlyn and I had made a pact to venture to the big apple together. We were on a mission to launch several endeavors including reside in the world's most astonishing city. Not being fools we began plotting our strategies and career plan many moons ago to get us to this point. Never to tell a fib through the fabulous life, we had all our ducks in a row. The venue of our dreams, the posh residence and jobs lined up. Virtually a spreadsheet full of contacts and people in high places we need to meet. As we know, if it sounds too good to be true it probably is...but "I OBJECT!" I told the court. We completed our due diligence and we know exactly what we're doing.

Sounds like going to college to become a doctor, being inspired through art history and telling the family you've decided to backpack across Europe to find yourself. LIFE NEVER GOES ACCORDING TO THE PLAN.

Why?

You plan, God laughs. His is always better. I don't know how He does it...

One week prior to NY departure the earth began to shake and so left a crack in our foundation. The appropriate funds were not in place and neither was our living situation. Two ESSENTIAL items that must be in stone before one picks up their life to relocate to...well the fastest and most expensive city in the U.S.

The emotional breakdown happened. Snot, tears, kneeling to the floor- standard. Through it all I kept hearing the voice of faith never leaving my side. "The time is now" it said and so I continued to walk not knowing the answers. As if I was taking the biggest test of my life never having read a book or know how to prepare. The only skill I could use was to trust my gut.

Everything from the transportation, to the weather, to scoring deals left and right has been on our side. Literally on the drive up to New York from Nashville our temporary living situation came through via text and now you can call me 'Lo from the block' as I sit and share this story with you LIVE from the Bronx (the story almost gets better every day). Mafioso across the street, Frank's Pizza down the way, accents, dialects and international languages. Now this is LIVING!!!

Three days into our adventure I met Puerto Rican and Italian family I never knew I had (who happen to be the world's most incredible people and brilliant characters for a future screenplay). Kaitlyn interviewed and scored an upscale retail job and after today we will know the conclusion of what may just be the new NY dream pad. All of this wrapped up in patience and faith overwhelmed with nothing but gratitude.

To be fully honest on this forum, I must tell you my strategy. Taking one day at a time and truly letting go and letting God. Sounds easier then it is! Life with no structure, sounds preposterous? Or did I crack the code? The beauty in patience and silence is that you become far more aware of your surroundings since you are at high alert to find an answer. Yesterday we witnessed the most incredible pay it forward moment of my life. On our brisk walk home, I shared my thoughts...I NEVER want to be greedy. Ever.

Give everything you have to give and trust it will come back to you at your time of need. Every single thing we need is on this earth, your answers lie in front of you and if you are not getting what you want its because you are not sharing. Only the details have changed since pre-school.

Enter at your own risk, proceed with caution. Buckle up, this year will be nothing short of a wild ride. Won't you join me...

Metamorphosis

Hello 2012, Lauren here. Board is clear, ready to see which piece you will move first...

"In 2010, the preliminary estimate of registered births for the United States was 4,000,279."(http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/nvss.htm) Imagine, that is over 4 million NEW lives that just began. Over 8 million parents (we hope) ready to embark on the MOST important job of their entire life. Fascinating.

As every new year celebration comes and goes, it brings us a new wave hope and cleanses our soul of forgiveness. Astonishing to me the way we all begin the year, loving our neighbor and treating them with the respect they deserve.

So here we are...8 days in. Does it still feel the same or has the feeling wore off?

I started this blog in February of 2011 and never did I think it would become what it has to others...or myself. A silly thought of "The Fabulous Life" has become my accountability to the dream. You see, I have been in hibernation in California preparing mentally and emotionally for my move to New York. Only an amateur takes on a new environment without the proper steps. Especially to the fastest and biggest city in the U.S. They say once you see New York - you can die. Well, I plan on living in it; the dirt and the glam, street food and fancy martinis. Hailing cabs, catching subways, holding on for dear life and always staying alert. New York resembles life at its real pace. If you are not paying attention, the moment will just pass you by...and welcome who is more deserving.

While digesting this move, I am also getting my black belt in patience. Two MONUMENTAL life changing answers I am waiting for this week and to be even more frank, they are 100% weighing on FAITH. Not logic or facts. Scared? Anxious? One would think, but for some holy reason I am completely at peace these will come true and work in my favor AND once they do...I am on a serious mission to proclaim to mankind how we need to TRUST OUR GUT. (Gee, do I really want to put that out there? Proclaim what I can not control? My only thought...why not?)

I am fully aware this year will be FULL of tasks and growing pains that I will endure and guess what? So will you. I understand that responsibilities, debt and reputations are on the line when it comes to making serious life moves, but what will it take for YOU to start your own adventure? A death? A birth? True love? A move?  To actually change your mentality of what LIVING means...to start taking the type of massive action that can actually get you EXACTLY where you want to be...if nothing else you can live vicariously through me...and we will find out how that looks at the end of the tunnel.

Holding hands with fear. 

Accepting my dreams and goals are larger then life, I finally have taken the plunge to handle my fitness/lifestyle so I signed on to Tracy Anderson's Metamorphosis program. This lady is responsible for every hot female bod in Hollywood...among others. Terrified to admit this to you all cause now I must follow through, cause Lord knows this is the hardest thing I have ever done. I figure its a 90 day commitment, if I can't accomplish this how on earth will I ever be successful in marriage???!!! Funny how all of us have different strengths and weaknesses...motivation must really come from within. Just like true love...

"All you need in life is 20 seconds of courage, insane bravery...that could change your life forever." - We Bought a Zoo

My white elephant.

The best gift I have ever received was to see Tony Robbin's LIVE. It astonishes me how many people have never heard of him. All these encounters I take as an opportunity to help influence a life as it did mine. Tony Robbins is the creator of the term 'life coach'. Many have attempted this, but no one has proven the results as Tony. Over 4 million people in 100 countries and counting - who knows how old these statistics are.

When I attended Tony I was 22 and obsessed with the idea that no one would ever love me as much as my boyfriend (at the time) did. I was (and still am) constantly battling my weight and struggled to go after my dreams. It was a 3 day conference in Downtown LA that changed my thinking pattern forever. 10 hours per day, we were fed nothing but intense, positive affirmation that forced us to dig deep into our 'stories'. We found our 'blueprints' which revealed our biggest fears and issues we were holding onto. Now this was not just any pen and paper conference. We are talking at least 3,000 successful and educated people - many who were much to my senior. Not to mention the first night we walked on fire. Yes, its true. You can can Google it.

To attend this conference is a pretty penny, so one can imagine the caliber of attendees. Obviously to be attracted to Tony's teaching you have to believe in his method- people can change and they will change only if they want to. However before one can change we have to discover our fears and use them. Without practice and discipline it's not going to happen. So those who attend these functions are doers. Bottom line. They are people who are sick of where they are, want to achieve more and need HELP. Tony has coached the absolute elite of this world, from Princess Diana to major athletes, even our former presidents. He is THE MAN called in at time of conflict, but his own story is nothing short of remarkable breakthrough.

I share this with you because this morning I felt pissed at the world. Watching "The View" trash talking the Kardashians, which was disappointing and tacky. To seeing Facebook posts nothing short of people "checking out" this year who can't wait to start anew. What do people actually think they are going to accomplish by buying a new calendar and writing 2012??? I mean, really. Your environment, relationships and career status will not change until it starts with YOU.

My entire life I have been surrounded by privileged, educated and wealthy people. I can't say I come from the same seed. My father always repeating "we can't keep up with the Jones's". The urge to trip him after that comment has still not left me. My thought has always been "only cause you choose not to." People are not just lucky. Their success, wealth and power started somewhere - with hard work and discipline! Blood, sweat and tears! Are you kidding me?!?!?! Lucky for the offspring, their parents or family line at some point worked their ASS off to provide for generations to come. Whether or not they lead a life of integrity or milk the trust fund, is entirely their choice. Everyone at some point has an equal shot of achieving this. I can almost guarantee all my readers, including myself do not have half the obstacles Oprah Winfrey faced and she is (was at one point) the wealthiest woman in the world. Arguably, the most influential to date.

At the end of the day we all just want to be LOVED. That is our driving force and the true cause for any unhappiness- loneliness. Through Tony's teaching, we learn our true fear is that WE ARE NOT ENOUGH. "There is no security in life, only what we can contribute." We live a life full of uncertainty because there may be that day where that special someone finds another and the boss hires a younger replacement. All things we can not control. So we must focus on what we can CONTRIBUTE. Which leads me full circle into... if you are unhappy with this year - you are unhappy with YOURSELF. You could have tried harder, stood up for yourself, made a change, found a way, not given up!

Writing today from passion and frustration that the time really is NOW. I have learned this the hard way, but thankfully still in my 20's with nothing even close to cement weighing me down. I am hard on myself because I have MONUMENTAL dreams which have barely been touched.

What you have or where you are at does not interest me - WHAT YOU HAVE OVERCOME is where you will WIN. The spouse of your dreams, the job, the life! No room for argument.

Use this Christmas week wisely and meditate on where you are and where you want to be. A strategy is key and I know these sound like fluffy words, but the next step is to ask for help. Remember the key to life is to know what you want and how to ask for it! 


As I join you in hibernation, I am challenged writing my strategy for the next three years. Not a bone in my body wants to complete this task and I know no one is going to do it for me.

Cherish 2011 and all its glory. Lessons learned, mistakes and victories. So much wisdom we have gained, we would never want to discredit that.

As we reflect and tap into our inner strength, I challenge you to find out "what DRIVES you?" Emotionally and physically....pain, fear, frustration, love, achievement, loneliness, peace...let that be your fuel through these holidays to bring you into a fresh start.

With love and gratitude - Merry Christmas!

Lauren

It's A Wonderful Life.

The plane was more then half empty on my way back to LA. A row all to myself, I gazed out the window watching as we picked up speed and into the air we flew. In a matter of a few minutes my Nashville chapter was officially over or at least the job I came to do was done.

For the next four hours, every person on the flight was subject to a confined space; no social media or wireless communication. We were alone in our own thoughts. Prior to boarding, I said "see you later" to an incredible gentleman that magically made his way into my journey before I left. Having spent almost two weeks in a whirlwind romance, I began to remember just how great God really is. Not sure where this person will fit in days to come - of course as a girl we immediately resort to Disney - fairy tale, castle, white horse - you get the idea. Trying not to focus on the future and be in the present moment, I began to remember how I felt a few months ago. Heartbroken. Even though I had accomplished so much I was battling my aching heart of the worst decision I had made yet. Judging myself. Exactly what we shouldn't do. We must learn through our mistakes and never repeat them. That is the only true lesson. 

A few months later, I began to see AND feel I could have everything I ever wanted. That maybe this entire time it was just right underneath my nose. Hit with the reality that mom and dad are ALWAYS right. I don't know what it is; the years under their belt or just because they have studied us our entire lives. They know what our right course is and what we deserve. We are too ignorant and stubborn to accept it. Speaking to those of us who are lucky enough to have this type of support system. That thought, followed by recalling the energy I wasted always feeling embarrassed. Every party, every game, every function. Whether it was the way dad yelled in the stand or how my mom looked at the new boy. No one or nothing was ever good enough, until now? 

Those of us who are highly productive doers spend so much time jumping from project to project. We get caught up in always feeling behind. The need to find a balance to reflect is key. Allow yourself to recognize where you have come from and how much you've grown! Celebrate those moments and never forget who you are. Someone will always do it better and faster, but they will never be YOU. 

Utterly taken back how this experience has changed me. I wish I had the power to tell everyone to uproot themselves and get out of your comfort zone. To stop listening to everyone around you and actually do what you WANT. To be your own critic and live only through your inner voice. To imagine if you stopped making excuses and owned the responsibility for your happiness. I believe you would find a life filled with no drama. Only love and light to give and receive. The mere thought of that life sounds so frightening that we stay miserable or content in our current lifestyle. This is our CHOICE. Almost as if we don't fall for a fairy tale. Heaven on earth? Impossible.

How I desire for all to KNOW, there is so much more awaiting you.


I promise you, It's A Wonderful Life.